Conversations with Death

[Magnamon]

A/N: Okay, this isn't a fanfic. However, since there's no section for original stories, I must put it here.
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Chapter 1: Introductions and a Little Q and A



Death. Some would call it an eternity of oblivion after your life on Earth is over. These people are, and I'm just spitballing here, idiots. Complete and total idiots. Others would call it freedom from the pain and sorrow that is living. Can you guess who these people are, readers? Correct! Idiots! How long did it take you to guess, hm? Did you have to Google it? Right, I'm getting on a tangent again. Shame on me, tsk tsk tsk. Anyways, the truth about Death is that he's just another being within the Universe. How do I know this? Guess. No, I've never met him. Now, I KNOW you Googled the first answer. I am Death. Now now, save your gasps of terror for when I claim your soul as my own. You may be asking why I'm in this little story that you're reading. Well, if you have forgotten how to read titles, then I'll tell you. I will be sitting down and having conversations with various deities and people of note. Think of me as the Supernatural Conan O Brien minus skin... and that enormous head of his. Dear Lord, when I kill him, I'm going to decapitate him and mount his head. Oh right, the first guest. Our first guest is the Greek God of War- No, not Kratos. Ares!

"Welcome. Ares."

"Yeah yeah, let's get this crap over with." Now, dear readers, we are discussing these things telepathically; so I'm afraid actions will mostly be limited. Sorry.

"Now, Ares, what are your plans in regards to the Civil Wars that have been popping up as of late?" Civil Wars are Ares's favorite passtime you see. It is like a game of suicide chess to him.

"Ha! Man, I'm gonna try to keep em as long as possible. These wars never last long anymore." I'm afraid I must agree, but that is a good thing for me. I don't have to do as much clean up at the end.

"Say, Death, I got a question for you. Why do people make you look different in all their pictures?" Good question, Ares. Well played, O master of suicide chess. Well, I guess that's not true. I'M the master of suicide chess. How? Because, my pieces never die that's how. Silly readers.

"Hm... mainly because I'm a shapeshifter.", I reply. I hear a bit of laughter from the other end of this conversation. It seems Ares enjoyed that little tidbit about me. Maybe, he is imagining something? Sigh, I prefer mortals.

"So, some people see you as a woman?" Yes, you nitwit, of course they do. To some people it is more comforting.

"Yes." More laughter. I am about to turn off the line.

"Man, that's awesome." I suppose you could call it that, but I would be more impressed with the fact that even immortals' souls can be taken. I may threaten him with that later.

"Well, I'm afraid I must depart. Goodbye, Ares."

"See ya."
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[Orlando]

Lol I like Death's personality. He's awful funny considering his profession and all.

[Magnamon]

it's called desensitivation

[Magnamon]

Chapter 2
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Hello, dear stupid readers! It's Death again. Oh, I'm sorry were you thinking I was someone funnier? Well, too bad. Anywho, we're going to skip the introductions and get straight to the fanmail! ... Yes, Death gets fanmail. Have you SEEN the suicide rate these days?! HA! ... Yes, that was a joke, dear stupid readers. What's that? You want to know how I'm Death? Well, that question is a little irrelevant when I've seen your naked souls. You are quite ugly. Please note that that joke just made fifty people commit suicide. Anyways, the fan mail. Sandy Tillman, age 7, from Paxton, North Dakota writes: "Death, do you know where I live?" Well, if I didn't before, I know now, silly. George Sandberg, age 16, from London, England writes: "Death, will you please end my suffering and kill me now?" See what I mean about suicide fanmail? It's delicious! I would, George, but Satan is at my house right now. He read the letter and is begging me to let you live. I'm going to oblige him since seeing you cut yourself over and over shall be amusing. Danielle Langowski, age 5, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada writes: "Death, did you kill my mommy and daddy?" Oh poor child, yes. Now, we shall move on to guests! Our guest today is the Mad Hatter! I'm clapping on the inside. Welcome, Hatter!
"Hee, thanks, Death, it's wonderful in your subconscious! Is that you and the Red Queen in Malibu?" Well, that was a little private, you psycho. Yes, it is.
"...yes.", I reply(this is so you slow readers can follow).
"Eheheheheheh! Wait to go, bone daddy! Say, how's the kids?" Ah yes, I have children. You could say I'm a DEADbeat dad, but that would be a lie and I would have to send you to a realm of eternal torment. Probably my mother's.
"They are fine. How is the tea?"
"DELICIOUS!"
"That is good." The Hatter is one fictional character whom you must simply oblige in his madness. For some reason, he is more powerful than most deities. I blame it on Johnny Depp and Walt Disney. I'll go punch Disney's head later.
"Ahahaha, oh look, it's time for TEA! Time to go!"
"goodbye." That was absolute torture. We still have time left? Screw viewership I'm going home to make sure my wife and kids haven't been violated by a man who makes hats.
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