Revenge

[Nene]

Revenge was a dish best served cold, so they said. As such, he came to main planet under the guise of Senshu. He only revealed his true identity to human girl, who was 19 years old.

He came to meet her, and told her they needed to talk. So they both walked away, protected by big black cloak of his. Finally, they reached a rock, safe from prying eyes and ears.

"Eva..." He began "I'm sorry for what happened back then. But you know the truth now. I would never have killed your mother. Me and my race consider killing others unforgivable. We did some unflattering things, but we never killed anyone." He began guiltily

"No one blames you. At least I don't. My father, though..." she left the sentence unfinished

"But maybe I could revive her." he continued

"No." she sobbed "Only the Ultimate Prize could have revived my mother. Muir is grieving also, and..." she broke into tears.


"There is another way, though. Blood will help, a lot of blood." his eyes bore into hers "Alien Blood. Blood of Allien you hate."

"Cross." her eyes widened

He smirked.

"Let's go, then."

They discovered a secret passageway and jumped into it together.

As soon as Cross came, Spirit stepped forward

"You weren't too eager to lose, which would have enabled me to qualify." Eva whispered

"That, yes." Spirit smirked "Call it a smoke barrier, Eva. I pretended to aim for victory so Aikka and Toros wouldn't suspect anything."

"Thought so."

Spirit took a dagger, jumped at Toros and managed to give him the cut, enough for blood to flow. He let it pour into a bowl he held. Then, Eva came out.

"You..." Eva whispered fiercely "You and your struggle for power is stupid. There are stronger motives, such are mine and his. Love for those close to us. Muir, show him the ones we are racing for."

A pair of tentacles touched each side of Cross' head. He saw a scene. Two hunters readied their spears and killed a large bug, a female bug. Her mate stood above her, letting out sounds of mourning.

The scene then shifted. It was a racing Arena. A human was racing against an allien whom Cross recognized at Spirit. Her racer crashed, engulfed by fire. Her body was burried in local cemetery.

"So what?" Cross snarled. Eva sighed, climbing on top of Muir.

"You're incapable of feelings, Cross, which makes you our enemy." she said, as she and Muir disappeared. Spirit disappeared at the same time, with a bowl."

Eva touched Muir's tentacle.

"Your mate and my mother will be alive before you know it." she vowed.

[Talmon]

Which anime is this off? The story was interesting but it still felt rushed and lacked some description but I can see improvement.

[Nene]

I can't reveal the fandom, because I want to keep that anime all for myself. Here at least.

And something caught my eye. You don't care about the emotions the story tries to awake. You didn't call it sad or touching. What's the deal?
Are you even a human, or do you only care about the writing style?

[Talmon]

For me to feel I need to be able to ignore the writing's grammar, structure, spelling and description otherwise it's just off putting. Of course I've felt emotions from reading before but I have to be honest this wasn't sad and touching. I'll see if I can highlight why.

You don't lengthen out death or pain - this is something which can create the exact emotions you desire. I have a few minutes so I'm going to write the same scene twice and see if you can feel a difference.

Version one:
He stabbed her and she spurted blood before falling to the ground. "Don't die" Taio begged as her eyes closed.

Version two:
The blade thrust through her gut and her eyes became wide with terror. He twisted it and then leapt back. Taio turned his head and saw the blade in her instead of him. He felt a rush of anger and then the wave of sadness washed over. "Sofia!" Taio exclaimed as she fell to the ground – limp and lifeless. Taio ran to her side and knelt down next to her – lifting her head. "Please, don't die Sofia" Taio begged as tears trickled from his auburn eyes.

"Taio..." she wheezed as blood trickled from the corner of her mouth and onto the dark grey gravel below them. Their attacker had escaped now but he had left behind the seeds of a greater pain than Taio could feel from his blade. "Promise me-" she paused as she coughed blood. Taio tried to fret over her but she brushed him aside. "Promise me that you'll look after Ally" she whispered as the life began to fade from her body.
"Don't talk silly, just wait here we'll get help, I promise that" Taio swore. “Help!” he called out, looking around desperately “Help!” He repeated, louder.
“Shhh” she wheezed as her body became colder and her breaths shallower.
“Please Sofia, I can’t live without you!” he exclaimed as tears poured from his eyes and his face became flush with anger at their assailant.
“Taio, I need you to promise me you’ll look after Ally. I trust you...” she whispered softly as she placed her hand on his cheek.
“It’s cold” he stammered as he placed his hands to hers and held it there. She slowly withdrew it and let her arms flop.

“I love you” she whispered with a smile as her blinking became less and her eyes started to close.
“Don’t go!” he begged fervently
“I love you, Taio. Look after Ally” she reminded him as her eyes closed. Taio held her lifeless body in his arms – cradling it – for what seemed like hours. His beloved had been taken from him and it felt like he had been the one who had been stabbed.
“I love you too” he whispered in her ear as he laid her body down and let his last tear fall onto her soft skin.

You will notice that not only is the second longer and imo far better it should make you feel something. The first is designed as a placeholder if that for someone who has absolutely no time. It is unfortunately more like what you wrote whereas what the second one is more of an idealised version of sadness. It isn’t perfect and it might not make you feel but it took longer and for me as a writer it did make me feel sad for my two randomly created characters that have no back story of any sort. I hope this makes you understand that to create emotion it takes so much more than a sad scene you really have to pour all of your knowledge, skills and own emotions into it.

[Magnamon]

O.o wow nice one Tal

[Talmon]

I just had free time :') I don't know if Nene approves yet though.